Just a quick update to the going ons of Crankworx.

Adam - Full on power ranger suit has been purchased so he now blends into the hoards of riders, however on his last "moto timed" run the mesh shirt cut his wind resistance down by up to 1 tenth and KEPT HIS VAINS FROM OVER HEATING AND POPING OUT YEAUGHUGH.

That was supposed to be Arnold.

Dave and Sam - I made the mistake of letting them know Vegas was only a 2 hour flight away, needless to say plans are underway.

The Slopestyle - Practice was yesterday and from my place of work I was able to watch riders go off on the whoop di whoop last feature, it looks effortless and flowy and I imagine there is going to be a lot more silly boy tricks this year as riders were already back flipping it.

Spooner - workaholic

Ben - In France living on a Yacht and driving Bentleys

Carlos - Needs to ride his bike more and going to go do that right now.

so...its crankworx....simply put, too many fucking humans in the village, you can't go 10 feet without meeting a swarm of tourists with their slr's and lack of deodorant. Believe it or not I actually tried to do park laps today, after meandering through the hoards of spectators I was stroppy enough to complain...twice.

Anyway, yesterday was the joke of the year, the mountain bike worlds "greatest riders" stroking their cocks to their own videos at the G.L.C. well done you hacks.

Do me a favor, enjoy the fact your actually popular for less than two weeks then you get back to the world where your a mountain bike nerd like the rest of us, unless of course you have tattoos, Riffle, your safe....except your v-neck American apteral shirt is getting more attention from the men looking at your bitch tits than anything else.

The rest, get a fucking clue, your not that impressive, your not from Whistler and you have far less game than E.A.

Further more, congratulations to Harry, Paulo and Jack for being the top 3 for a long long time, Tristan….your beating yourself up enough off days are off days.

Dear, Dave Patten and Sam Gothorp…. Boys, settle the fuck down...wait, never mind that, I only work one night this week, keep it going. Grey Goose, Dom and Patron are nice but pouring it all over Kevin Bartowski is far more enjoyable. I never want to stop hearing….”mate that’s only 75 pound!”

That’s all for me, wasted and sleep deprived, I just want to say, Aussies…wait, Convicts stop fucking about. Things that can be burned don’t need to be burned and thefts should be left for French Canadians, go back to your own country if your thinking of thievery…Spooner/Harry.

Fuck you

HAhahahahahaha Who changed this?


Sorry, one more thing to add now that i've sobered up a bit...how much human growth hormone has J.D. Swagner been taking! Last year he was a skinny un-assuming kid, this year hes giving Vandam a run for his money.

And who was the person who walked up to Sam today and said "you guys are assholes" then walked off??!

You know what, maybe Crankworx isn't that bad after all.

Carlos

With crankworx kicking off this week, theres more pros knocking about than ever (I had to push my way past Duncan Riffle, Tristan Merrick and some guy with ludicrous eyebrows just to get to the bar last night). So I thought we take a look at what it really means to be a pro by comparing it to that other noble profession of a bin man.

1. Career prospects

Pro: Washed up and working in Mcdonalds by 35 unless you're really really good or doing PR for a sunglasses company.

Binman: Well theres always shit to collect right? Its civil service too, so its early retirement and a big fat pension for you.

2. Free Stuff

Pro: A free bicycle and all the free sunglass you can fit on your face, maybe a set of pyjamas too.

Binman; Your paid to take away free shit! sweet. My next door neighbour threw away a goldplated kettle last week, our binman is fucking set. Christmas presents too.

3. Girls

Pro: You ride a bicycle for living, this impresses no-one. What that says to a girl is "I've got no money and our kids will be fat and wear shoes with holes in them"

Binman: Ok so you're gonna smell and have a beard with bits of rubbish stuck in it(but then so does Nathan Rennies).

4. The Car.

Pro: You don't have one, you ride a fucking bicycle.

Binman: This guys rolling on 24s, its got hydraulics too, might even have a fish tank in the back.


The one thing that really sets being a pro mountain biker apart from the rest is the endless adoration from teenage boys, which is great.


If you're a peadophile.


So to any pros reading this, put down the bike, get your florescent jacket on and start shoveling, you'll be doing yourself a favour and i'll have to battle one less "look at me bitch!" pro to get to the bar tonight.

We are still waiting for the collectives little mummies boy to roll into town and show the world that canadians can in fact ride bikes. There is some speculation that his mum holds his hand on the chairlift too. Rather than monster energy fueling his race run, its those little cartons of Ribena that mum brings to the top. 10.5g of sugar per serving! Take that Sam Hill!


Hate House

Whistler can sometimes become a microclimate of talent and enthusiasm, today this is the case. It has been a while since we have made a sincere effort of keeping the general public up to date with the local whistler gossip, but today the walls of tyranny have fallen.

we really do love him....we swear


to summarize all that you have missed in our absence, the majority of our friends are all about becoming the next sam hill and thus not fun. Their main goal is to punt themselves down the hill as fast as possible without any concern for their own douchisity. Dave and I have single handedly been as the thugs say "keeping it real" aka drinking our faces off. Wait, we have actually added a member to our crew, Gareth Dyer, thats right, we have a dirtbag that actually has hood status on our team. The drinking team. That being said, Seb has toned down his madness and is all about xc and fit as a mother fucker and the rest are funny as. Anyway, commence with the hating Dave....


We are here to tell you the next big thing in the mountain biking community. You may have heard some whispers on the lift about the legend that is Tristan Merrick. I have been meaning to write this report for a while, but the mere mention of the "t-word" makes me start busting one out. This man is viagra for the masses.

He is a man, he is a legend. You think you might have seen him, but you are wrong, he is far too fast for a mere mortal to see him in action. Clark Kent apparently saw him riding Garbanzo once, but his head exploded and thus the report is unsubstantiated.

The only confirmed report we have is a blury photo of a man in a clown suite and a top 30 finish at some canadian race somewhere. We understand that racing in canada is no longer the joke the rest of us think it is full of `huckers' and the like, it is now about racing bow legged aussie styles with flat pedal styling and pulling cutties left, right and centre.

no longer the party animal full of cheerful enthusiasm for the sport, Tristen is now 100% focused on the goal ahead, to become the fastest punter there ever was and he will eat fresh, sleep well and drink lemonades and to pose in an orange and white clown suit around the main sponsor of punters in whistler, the garbonzo bike and bean. `he would also like to thank his sponsors, staff housing, in providing him with the facilities to get his training on in moving the Aids infested staff from room to room, in order to share the love that is whistler. Also known as the most horrible rumor in this town.

That being said, the rivalry between the protein fiend has done nothing but intensify, its got to the point that I can't talk 5 minutes without Tristan sharing his "secret strategies" followed by a hilarious "don't tell the protein fiend"...as if he coined the mutha fucking phrase. However, this syndrome is quite reminiscent of Duncan riffle's rise to "power". However, he has yet to pull his socks past his balls, and for that, we still have hope.


If you see the man the legend, Mr Merrick AKA "Sam hill but shitter" congratulate him on entering pro class, because i thought you had to get paid to enter that shit. I hope to see the flash gordan on the trails, and possibly our boy tristan in the bars sometime soon.

Heres to keepin her pinned eh!

Posted By.... The Hate House